I choose you........

It's over......a flash in the pan side venture;-)......and the "why" in tow......I want to make it clear before I articulate this this morning, that the guy I spoke of the last couple of days is not a bad guy, in fact I believe he is a good guy in many ways....but he was sent to test me and my boundaries.......asking are you REALLY her????......I wrote about being seen by him in terms of his seeing my heart so early on, expressing that he felt I was as beautiful inside as out, which touched me.....but then I placed a boundary in terms of not moving quickly, as he was progressing in it......and building some friendship and dating first.....expressing that I wanted to get to know him, and due to the things I have experienced spend time building some trust etc......and his response to that was some frustration.....and my boundary felt inconvenient to him on my end.....his wanting somebody that is both feet in on dating him and all of the rest......but then he mentioned my healing, and expressed that since I had said that that I must have healing still left to do and wondered why I was dating?? And that to me was a dealbreaker......I take my healing VERY seriously....and nobody knows what it has taken to face all that I have, and still come out on the other side open to love, and with love and compassion, joy and light in my heart......belief and hope in my soul.......all of it......and that reaction to my very reasonable boundary told me about how aligned we were in one moment.......it wasn't like the flight risk stuff I wrote about yesterday, it was asking me what kind of woman do you want to be???? Who is Jenn now? And what was such beautiful confirmation of my healing in a real sense is my walking away from it, kindly and nicely.....but clearly.......if I was still unhealed Jenn his flattery and admiration of me would have been enough.....I would have pushed past my boundary, chasing his affection, and thought maybe he is right?? Maybe we should move forward quickly?? Nothing to lose right?? He seems like a good guy?? He was saying, and I believe meaning all the right things......but this chapter for me is about way more than admiration.....it is about substance........and in my last relationship I attempted to implement the same discernment, after my marriage fell apart, waiting YEARS to meet up, and STILL found myself deeply betrayed.....after deep intimacy was created, but that had its own set of circumstance, and red flags that were shown long before, ones I chose to ignore.......so I own some of that too.........somehow you can tell yourself that the red flags won't affect you, they are for other people when you are unhealed and in love, but that is not my story now.......and I know that is not feasible in a true sense to wait for confirmation, some guarantee, I just believe I will know, my intuition is SO strong these days......and that actions will answer all I need to know moving forward......but my boundary was reasonable....we are strangers....and to meet it with that response showed me that I was in a place that this version of me doesn't belong......it took me 50 years to learn that I am worth the wait......and I am.......and I believe that if he meant all that he said.....understanding that I am a worthy woman......curious about all the things that make me me.....not somebody he meets often, then his response to that boundary would have been to prove to me that he was the man he said he is....and take his time getting to know me, and wait for me to be ready, building friendship and taking his time, and it is really that simple......and make no mistake it is the HEALED version of me that spotted that.......not the unhealed part......the unhealed part would have been insecure by his comment, second guessing my judgement, thinking maybe he is right we should move fast etc.......I believe he wants a person that he can date and spend time with him etc.....and go all in on it, and I love that for him.....truly, and I am certain he can find it and have it work......but I am not her......so just like I knew we would connect and there was a reason....I knew that I was being tested yesterday, and being asked if I am really the woman I say I am in this chapter......and I AM.......And to his credit he sent an apology later on that was beautiful and very reflective, confirming some of what I experienced in our exchange yesterday, and he gains my deep respect for that......it was a brave apology and expressed in a lovely way.....I choose me.....I will never betray me again, that is a fact....I am finally in a place where my loyalty to myself and my well being is on point with all the love and loyalty I have given away all of my life to a lot of places where it wasn't deserved......The Universe handed me a test yesterday and I got an A lol:) And what struck me so fully is that it is so much more clear today, in this chapter......I didn't even flinch......no wishy washy kind of struggle.....no overthinking......no stressing......nothing.....I felt it in my gut.....knew it was the right thing to do and moved from that place.......and well that.......feels like deep healing to me:) And I wish him all of the best, I mean it......I hope he finds what he is looking for too........Happy Wednesday:) xoxo