I can finally say this out loud.......

I had one of those clarifying moments yesterday, one that came bearing wisdom and clarity all at once......and when you have been deeply betrayed......lied to, disrespected, emotionally harmed, all of it, your mind wants to numb that truth a little by creating a story.......one that softens it.....so you don't absorb it all at once.....and it is normally surrounding the notion that they "didn't mean to hurt me like that"........"that they really cared about me, but didn't know all they were doing"........."they have their own damage, and that is why they do what they do"........and I have ARRIVED at another layer of healing, as of late through some ruthless and gritty work, and I can finally say out loud.........that they DID know that all of it would hurt me, and they did it anyway, period.......not caring about me at all in the midst of their own selfish actions......their selfishness was bigger than my heart, and my feelings, or any of it, and that is the truth........maliciousness was not a part of it, but intent sure was.......and anybody that loves you, like really loves you in a healthy way would never want to do anything to hurt you......never..........and certainly not live in such deep deception behind your back, that is truth......and as I type that I feel the need to clarify......I believe I was loved in the last two relationships I was in.....I do......deeply at certain points for sure BUT not in the way I deserve to be loved, not at all.....I was loved to their capacity which came bearing harm to me......and giving them a pass, and saying they didn't mean to hurt me is just not true......they knew that what they were doing was hurting me and at different points didn't care and did it anyway.......and that is a crucial part of healing.....and the shift for me went from "they couldn't help it" to "they could have made different choices and they didn't" that is very different energy........but here is the more powerful piece is that their knowingly making choices that hurt me were never a reflection of my worth.......never......they were a reflection of their character.....their wounds........their priorities.....and their capacity at the time.....and that hits different........and I know why I needed to soften the blow for the time that I did.......because it is wildly disorienting to learn that somebody you love and adore, and who seemingly did you too is capable of such a deep level of pain.......and of doing what they did......so easing back on the intensity by softening it helps until you can absorb it all........so today where I sit I am clear.......they chose actions they knew would hurt me, and my hurt did not get factored into their actions........at all......and they did not care that they hurt me while they were serving their own needs.......and that is the truth.....the brutal and ugly truth......but the truth of a much more healed woman......a woman that can tell herself the truth of the stories she has lived in......no longer spinning fairytales, and sugar coating a damn thing......I used to say that the truth will always be the truth, and a lie will always be a lie no matter how many times you say it.....and that is still true......and the truth will set you free is also a saying for a reason.....because it really will.........every single time! Enjoy the day:) xoxox