Being conned.......

I would be lying if there was not a part of me that doesn't feel conned some by my last relationship.......believing in him, and it so fully.....feeling like what we had experienced together would transcend any challenges we encountered......and somehow believing in him despite knowing that was foolish based on what I knew to be true in his past......but I guess that is the thing with somebody skilled in being a person that is capable of conning another person......they have to be good at it for it to work right? And really in hindsight the version of me that reconnected with him, fresh out of being left by my husband.....wounded and raw.....naive and scared.......devastated in all of the ways, for sure left me vulnerable to what he was offering......and I resisted for so long.....I really did.....seeing some of the writing on the wall......seeing the troubled places, or the potential of what happened happening.....all of it......and so I chose to live in our friendship above all else all along.....despite the feelings that had developed between us......resisting meeting up with him until I did finally...seemingly at the right time.....after YEARS........and then having the con play itself out......and I do believe he had real feelings and love for me, I do......no doubt......and that the time we shared face to face finally was special and we both felt that......but I believe the other things that live within him prevent him from being fully present in anything......always seeking the next hit......the next place to catch whatever it is that he is chasing or running from........and it is a complicated ending for me to live in.......to have experienced something that occupied so much time, and energy, and resources, and all of it.......and maybe a part of me wanted to believe we would always be at least friends......we did that part so well.....and I am guessing he feels that too......In fact I know he knows......there is no way he can't........and I threw out all the things I had from our time together.....none of it holding any meaning any longer in the light of his actions.......and energetically not willing to have it take up space in my space......and I am not sure he will ever apologize properly for all he subjected me to.......and what he did to me, and his betrayal of what we shared in every way, and sometimes you reach a point, unfortunately a place I have been before, where that fact doesn't matter so much anymore......but the walk that we walked in each other's stories was significant.....despite the way it ended.......for many reasons......and being conned in it doesn't make me feel foolish......because I moved from sincere and real places......some of the best places that live in me, and from love......the real kind......and how it was met and what was done with that isn't on me...... and that shock and awe still visits me in the light of what he was capable of, and the betrayal of the love I offered.....the betrayal being almost deeper than the one in my marriage somehow......because he KNEW......KNEW all I had endured and still.......and I hope he chooses to apologize and make amends someday......I do.........but if he never does I have made peace with it all.......understanding the reason why it was divinely placed in my path despite the pain it caused.......I believe we walk beside people, for many reasons in this life, and sometimes that time expires in an instant.....when the lesson is achieved or the time is finished.....and trusting that is part of the journey.......I guess all along a part of me knew that things could end the way that they did......I wasn't that naive......but I believed the other parts I knew to be true would be the bigger story......when somebody betrays you, especially so deeply when you are so close, it takes time for the remembering of ALL of the lies to settle in......and they come in waves and the dots connect in ways that can be jarring......especially when you believed........and while this is pinging me this morning.....it is just a moment in time.....like I said I have arrived at the peace, a place where I get it......seeing the reason so clearly and so soon after the fallout......he was a lesson, a catalyst, a portal that I had to travel through to be THIS woman......the one on the other side that truly has her self worth in tact..... finally, no more gray areas.......truly arriving in a place where I get it, once and for all......and where I would never deal with what I did then.....it leaves me shaking my head these days often......silly girl:) A place where my journey as a person that helps heal others comes with better understanding, understanding I can use to help others.....But we live and learn right......and I have no shame in my lessons......I moved with genuine intentions.....and love....and as I said the best places in me.......and I will continue to do that.....this experience won't change that......I never expected to be a number in his body count......that is for sure.....but life is unexpected......and mysterious, and sad, and wonderful, and magical, and sometimes all of it all at once.......so this morning I am grateful, for healing, and for the fact that this kind of blow didn't impact me in the ways it could have, due to the healing I had done prior to it.......reaching understanding pretty quickly, not missing a beat, and not feeling it so deeply.......that is the beauty of healing, it helps to serve as a force field....you are not subject to the thing you once were.......and wishing ill will is not me......I will never wish that for him......however I do wish for him to understand his actions and own them, and never repeat them to anybody again.......ever......and while I know my happily ever after is up ahead, I feel that so strongly, and realize I needed to be THIS version of me to be in my next relationship, the healed version of me, and that it will be like nothing I have experienced before:) I absolutely hope he finds his too..........Amen.......Happy Sunday xoxo