All that still lives there......

Yesterday I had the opportunity to go and support my brother as he begins preaching at a new church, and getting to the work of combining two churches....with two different denominations.....and making it all make sense......it was fun to worship with some different elements of each of the churches, and learn some new things.....and then we went back to my parents.....kids were with their dad. And my sister in law Stacey, is such a sweet soul.....also a pastor.....and she was asking me some about everything.....and we started talking about some things related to the kids, and just all of it.....and I became so emotional....surprisingly so.......and the release of it felt good.....it has been awhile since any of it has evoked tears......and not in a way that I am fighting it......or supressing it......it all just doesn't make me cry like it used to.......but yesterday, there was a spot that needed to be released.....and like I had written in my healing blog about the whale that lives in us all, the whale named grief......or trauma......or hurt.....yeah that one......it surfaced some, and I saw his big strong back come up, and remind me of the pain that still lives inside of me.....and when I am reminded of it.....when I feel it so deeply.....it still shocks me.....shocks me that it is still there......so strongly, when such a big amount of time has passed.....when I have worked so hard to heal.......when I have dealt with my emotions.....going through them....acknowledging them.....standing in their truth......even when it was hard.....even when I thought they would consume me......even then.....and yet........that whale came right up and spent a good hour rolling around......as the tears came......and I was grateful to have a safe space to unload some of it.....and it was unexpected, like totally unexpected......and my family was so sweet.....and Stacey is so empathetic and supportive too......sitting beside me and offering space for all of that too......and I suppose when that happens it could threaten to discourage me......reminding me of all that lives inside of me.....and for a moment it kinda felt like that.....but really it is just a reminder of my human condition.......the one I share with everybody else......the places that hurt us.....that change us.....the stuff we don't choose.....the imprint it makes in our hearts and souls......and we just can't help it.....what has happened in my life was profound.....and deep.......and hurtful......a deep betrayal in every sense......and the truth is if a person cannot understand that.....then they should consider themselves lucky.......lucky to live in this life without a deep wound like I carry every day......I am feeling better on the other side of my unexpected release........and knowing it was necessary........it is always necessary to feel.....to allow the valve release......to acknowledge......and to let the whale surface when he is ready.......