Access Denied......

I guess as I am beginning to live in the contrast and I now understand so fully how I allowed access to me, and to my energy in ways that compromised so much of so much......and we can't go back that is true......and I know each step......or perhaps in some cases misstep brought me right HERE.......so all of it was a piece of that......but that is the harder part of healing.....shuddering to think of what happened before, what you allowed......and there was a place in me that placed my own value on being loved, and if I found love, the real kind then that meant I was valuable.....and obviously that is foolish.....now......but I have truly locked into a new space.....so completely.....embodying the truth of what I need now.....and I talked for awhile of feeling that I was entering a new chapter.....and I am no longer on the threshold........ I am HERE......living in it......it has begun.....I am sitting back now, rooted in my own energy so completely, that it is clear how and when I should share my energy and when I should not.....and I have learned that a person's downfall resides in their lack of gratitude......plain and simple......if you cannot appreciate what is right in front of you, then you will not find joy and happiness, ever.....I believe that......it is how affairs happen.....people not feeling satisfied at home.....not willing to water that space.......feeling the grass outside of their home is greener.....and finding often once they chase that that it isn't.........the real magic is when you see the beauty in your life right in front of you......and our culture encourages that, the next swipe landing you a better thing......or better situation, and it is not true.......and with all the turmoil I lived in, I still found beauty in my life......I CHOSE to love my life......as flawed as it was in so many ways......I chose to focus on the beauty and magic amid the pain and struggle.....and hang onto the joyful parts.....and that is what helped me endure......posting not so much my highlight reel, but what I truly was focusing on......my version of real......and there wasn't any price I wasn't willing to pay at the time to have it last......see the thing is if a person is not happy, they will seek external validation to feed that, or things outside of themselves......and they will never be fed.....never.....continually screwing up their lives.......or living in turmoil and strife......and if they cannot lock fully into gratitude and presence they will forever starve.....and it is sad......because our perspective creates our lives and the experience we live in.....I truly look forward to my 4 am alarm, which by the way I wake long before lol:) But my feet hit the floor with purpose, and happiness, and light in tow.......one of my own creation.....my business feeds me, created from nothing.....using my pain as the template....and here it is.....a living breathing thing.....so I guess I say all of this to say that this Jenn moves very differently, and it is kinda fun and wildly exhilarating to get to know her right now! I am like damn girl, I love the way you are loving on you these days and honoring your worth:) I feel brand new again and it is wild fun to lock into my changed places so fully........And when I think of all the times I didn't it is hard to remember all of it.....just vying for love and attention from those I loved fiercely, thinking that that would dictate my value, thinking if I loved harder so would they......and that wasn't true.....having crazy and toxic experiences, and telling myself as the dust settled it would get better, or it wasn't so bad......and today the answer to all of that is NO.......access to me and to my life is not for everyone any longer......grace and compassion exist in my heart but so does self respect, clarity, and discernment......and I know so deeply that for the rest of my life I will not allow my peace to be disturbed by anyone or anything......and I will never chase love ever again........the love meant for me will arrive in clarity........in consistency......in a way that never needs to be questioned......an ease that will be so clear.......and that person will SEE my value as I now see my value......simple really.......if you are reading and not feeling valuable.....or chasing attention and affection from somebody else.....turn around and give it to yourself and watch your life change:) I promise it will! Happy Thursday:) xoxo