A flight risk..........

As I am getting to know a new person, there are lots of things coming up......even if we never make it to a first date......but I am fairly certain we will...... he has expressed being attracted to me from a physical perspective initially.......isn't that the way it goes?? But having been getting to know me, and expanding some of his limited understanding of me, he has been remarking about the beauty he sees on the inside and in my heart......and all naive stuff aside.....whether it is sincere or not on his part.....which I am catching a sincere vibe overall, with my caution in tow.......because I have learned that you never really can know a person......and the people closest to me have betrayed me deeply....and certainly what people say least of all.........but his sharing that thought with me, whether it is sincere on his end or not, IS the absolute truth.......my heart is the most beautiful thing about me, without a doubt, and I do not say that arrogantly......I say it as a matter of fact......and I can only say that so clearly because I am the one that knows what lives inside my heart......my compassion, and empathy for people, even those that have harmed and hurt me deeply.....the passion that burns inside of it to change the world in any way I can......the fierce love and loyalty I hold for my people.....all of it....and I brunched with a former client turned friend for 4 hours on Sunday.....and she was a woman who came to me by way of my business card, in a place I have never been in.....divine juju at work.....and she was in a very excruciating place when she found me, her ex husband had betrayed her in the most colossal of ways.....and watching her rise has been my honor.....and she is moving soon, and credits me with so much of it all......but it was her that did THE WORK.......overcoming those patterns......and she shattered them......and we will never forget each other.....even if we have trouble remaining fully connected after she moves......and I mention her to say that she is a visual representation of my heart and the love I hold for people, one of many.....and the deep commitment I hold for holding space for the pain of others......this world doesn't do that enough......and that is why we have people bleeding all over everybody......and love heals......I believe that.....but only under certain circumstances......so while I am happy to have attracted a man that can recognize the goodness that lives in my heart so quickly, and SEE it, it also triggers a part of me that feels angry at those that took advantage of it......he is not the first man, or person to tell me I am as beautiful inside and as they think I am on the outside.......and I am sure those men live with that fact too......but the gross negligence that I have lived in related to what I offered in good faith, and from the purest parts of me makes me angry.....leaving me on high alert......collateral damage in wars that were not mine......and as I have said often I will NEVER give in to what has been done to me.......never........I will never shrink my life to make it fit within the context of my wounds....I just won't.......my heart is truly good......and pure......and loving and willing.......and understanding, and so many other things.......and those that took advantage of that were not justified in doing so.....and have to live with the consequences of that........and I suppose quite simply that this morning it is pissing me off.....and see that is what it is.......a lovely statement made by a person, even so sincerely can then trigger the madness a person has lived through......and the level of unfair that is, is well......and the fact that I even need to question his sincerity based on being wildly duped is so flipping aggravating.....but see THAT is the work of healing......working with triggers and alchemizing their power......and all of it just makes me a flight risk in dating...........because you see it is easier to not deal with it......when I am on my own doing my thing, I don't have to face so much of it.....and the discomfort.......I am aware enough to see that so clearly......so I am going to force myself to sit in the discomfort......and continue to explore this connection without looking for an escape plan or an out......at least for now;-) And as I expressed all of this, perhaps this is the next level of healing......my last "relationship" ending over a year ago.......with enormous healing work on the other side of all of that.......so maybe using some of that healing in real time is in order.......even if this never goes beyond a date or two......it is work that I need to do if I ever want to meet HIM......whoever he is......so this morning finds me proud of myself for feeling the discomfort, and feeling triggered, and not letting it dictate what I do on the other side of it......I have used the feral cat analogy......living domesticated for SO long, and then being tossed outside to fend for myself after my divorce......and going back inside isn't always appealing....I love my wild ways.........but I also feel like a rescue animal sometimes too......one that wasn't treated well in their former life, by any of their owners.....and will need time to acclimate......and learn to trust all over again.......and well that makes me sad, and angry this morning is all........it was all so unfair considering what I gave to them all.....and what my intentions for them were...and the love and loyalty I shared with them........and well they are the ones that have to live with that too......I guess sometimes I wonder what would have happened, had I found healthy love right from the jump and lived in that story......I never stay in that thought knowing that I walked in the story I needed to to live my purpose, but sometimes it is a lovely thought.........Enjoy the day:) I will always chase the light and the sun......even if the dark shows itself.....we can't experience light without the dark.......Amen.......