OUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today was brutal.......just got off the treadmill, Facetime is happening.......thank goodness for the treadmill.....with each step I feel like I am freeing pain deep in my soul. The stamina and endurance I have had during this time is like none I have had before......feels like if I run fast enough, hard enough, somehow I can outrun the pain.......however it just numbs it for a bit, but I will take it.......worth it every single day.......As I run and listen to music, sometimes my blog comes through......tonight that was the case........So today, today.....such a HEAVY day..........we saw him today.....he came to get some stuff and the kids really needed to see him, damn you Covid......but it was time........to see him with the kids broke me inside, and him....... but it also made my mama heart so happy for them, for all three of them.......such an emotional and powerful thing to witness......Primal on every single level.......As I said from day one I will always support their relationship with him whenever I can, no matter what I have to lay aside.......not easy but I know in my soul it is the right thing to do....... in addition to the kid dynamic, the band was reunited, the four best friends, and the familiarity and the energy between the four of us was palpable.....we were both kind to one another and respectful, and did way better than I thought we could........ we supported our kids......all the while fighting this overwhelming sadness, like the air was sucked out of the room........ like being at our family of four's funeral....it was surreal. There was a heaviness in the air, there were shadows of love and a life that was taking place not too long ago all around us.....in every moment......every interaction........the ghosts swirling reminding us of it all. Tears flowing on and off from all parties, for a thousand reasons......a true awareness that it is never to be again.......the band can't stay together no matter how desperately we may want it to somehow, as if we can wave a wand and make it so........despite love, despite our kids, despite it all because we have rounded a corner and the bridge we crossed over is now burned up.....no ability to turn back and cross it.......the awareness of that was visible in him as well, and their was a profound sadness that was so deep........choices bear consequences......for him and for us all.........however in this sad sad day.......I felt the power of hope......hope that maybe we have turned a corner.......maybe we can somehow find a new way.....let that palpable love we still share transform.....change from husband and wife love, romantic love, to co parent friend love ......for the greater good, for the two humans we love the most, for each other, to honor our past and propel us forward into the future.......I saw possibility in today........possibility that I did not see yesterday.......I will embrace it........tomorrow may just be a new day.........