Totally torn......but I do miss it.....

I write often about the conflicting parts that live within me......and I have very different, and very strong parts of who I am that pull at me, and are for sure competing ones......A part of me.....my Taurus sun, and Leo Moon loved being married.......the tradition of it, for so long until I didn't....but having a home, and tending to all of it felt like me, still does a lot of the time.......and now, having been officially single for almost 6 years in a real sense.......and really for much longer emotionally, and being fiercely independent, is totally in line with my Aquarius rising.......our rising sign speaking to so much of our sense of self....and that is fiercely independent and non traditional energy, sometimes being a little rebellious......my recent ex was also an Aquarius rising, and I think that was one of the places we really vibed and understood one another.......understanding and honoring that independent nature in each other......so I guess some days I look at my life so far, and feel like I have had the unique opportunity of "indulging" all of me if you will....at different points.....and while independence has lived at the root of me, you don't get to fully experience it when you are married......and I have had long term relationships since I was young.....so I didn't feel my independent nature as a woman until now......I also held it as a kid......remember watching Sesame Street and they had those squares of people.....all of them doing the same thing, and then that one square held a person doing their own thing.....guilty as charged lol:) I am an out of the box thinker........my team all bought wheelie carts for school, to wheel their things out, and I would walk out with them carrying my bag and all my stuff lol:) Not because I was rebelling or anything, but just because, that has been me forever......in college you would not find me at frat parties, or doing the sorority thing.....I have never been drawn to norms, and even now I don't run in traditional mom circles......and while I am a rule follower, and will do what I am told to at work, I also always bring my own flair to my flow......I never like feeling confined in anything......and so now I sit at 50......in a weird place.......reveling in going all in on living life on my terms.....in my way.....under my own power......an awesome responsibility, but also wildly intoxicating in all the best ways......and also yearning.............. some days to feel that other part of me again someday......the couple part......the romantic part.......the love part......and having a partner in my space.....I do miss the feel of another human in my flow.....a touch point........a presence in my day to day, in my bed, in my space, in my heart......all of it......but at least for now that is not the bigger story......the love of single life is larger than those feelings.....but they are there......and I suppose that I am glad I have had the time to deep dive, and go down the astrology hole to really understand why that independent streak has always lived within me.......and that feeling, that pull all of my life was not random.....like this weekend when I went off the rails and painted my bathroom and the tile lol:) If I shared this space I likely would have gotten a lecture about why that wouldn't work, causing me to not try it.....telling me that it wasn't the right paint etc etc......and instead I just went for it:) And I love it, such an improvement over that pink and white tile yuck! So I deeply understand that when the time is right, the partner I meet, will likely need to be a little independent himself somehow......or at least capable of seeing that in me and honoring it:) so yea this morning I am feeling the missing of it all some.......while also feeling the foreign part of it, since it has been so long.......but more than all of that, feeling the trust in it too:) Knowing that it will arrive right on time, in the most perfect way:) Happy Thursday! I am excited that tonight I get to meet with my I Got you gals:) We are tackling trusting our inner voice:) Have a good one:)