THOSE moments.......

Unfortunately when your marriage ends in the way mine did.....it is hard to remember or hold space for the good moments that existed in your life together......Divorce I think in general, likely swallows them up...but in my case since the end came carrying such ugliness and destruction, it is hard to remember or hold space for any of the moments that came before.....and lately a couple things reminded me of that, and those moments.....the ones that were pure.....not wrought with all the rest......looking at our babies together for the first time.....our wedding day......buying the home I live in now......an ordinary Tuesday, where we had fun, and did the things.....sitting on our deck laughing in the sunshine......celebrating Gabe's milestones....ones we thought he may never achieve......and cheering when Mads was reaching her milestones with ease, and often ahead of schedule......so yeah....all those moments and more.......and where do they go??? Where are those moments amid the wreckage and destruction of the final act......and I guess that is work I am trying to do, in therapy, and otherwise.......finding a way to honor some of my marriage, and heal from the rest.....and it is a dance that isn't easy.......because it is so muddy now.....just so so muddy.......separating the two spaces......and learning to accept and embrace it all........and unfortunately the bad stuff and the ugly stuff, has a way of sweeping over the rest, if you are not careful.......the grief of a marriage.....and of grieving a living human, is a particular kind of thing......if we think about it, our marriages are like a treasured loved one to us......a representation of our lives......a tangible living and breathing thing......and when that shatters and the pieces fall onto the floor......it feels like death......and then you need to grieve your ex......as they live......right in your area.....in a parallel life.......and it is all so strange......not like normal death and grief at all......and despite my joy and my thriving in my new life, no longer under the weight of my marriage........it still impacts my life......I had some paperwork to do yesterday and came across my divorce decree....and it is something, to see your marriage summed up in those very formal and final words.......a life you built and created, ended in a document by the court, with a large golden seal to seal the deal.......it is something......made the breath in my throat catch still........so I suppose I seek to find a way to hold the good alongside the bad, in my heart somehow, someday......in a way that makes sense.......in a way that honors our lives together.....in a way that doesn't make it all feel like such a waste......in a way that makes sense somehow......and I am not there yet.......but I know someday......if I keep being committed to it all.......I will be......always remaining faithful to the things I cannot see......