The battle of forgiveness.......

I have said it before and will again, I consider myself to be a very forgiving person......I don't hold grudges and extend grace wherever I am able.....and have my whole life......I believe people fall down......I believe people make mistakes.......I believe in the human condition....and I most definitely believe in redemption.......yet......there are things that have happened to me throughout this that I just am not sure I will ever fully forgive......or find a way to do that......and the truth is they keep piling up.......no end in sight.....and while I believe that people are on their own journey and the things that they do have more to do with them than with the person they are laying them on and hurting........still........being the continued recipient of a bunch of nonsense and unnecessary hurt.......is so tiring......and truly prevents my path to forgiveness........prevents me from ever finding my way there or at least for now.......and I do not know how to reconcile that......I don't live in anger or bitterness which is good so I don't feel like the forgiveness piece is urgent......I also know that when I am ready I am ready.....but I worry because of all that has happened.....and what continues to happen that it may be impossible for me......and when it gets hard I remind myself that hurt people hurt people......it is the absolute truth.....healthy and happy people don't try to hurt other people.....that just isn't how it works......because healthy and happy people are too busy trying to stay healthy and happy and not trying to make others feel bad.....so they can hope to feel better......I know that clearly.....so in those moments I try to find my compassionate place and extend that.....have it step forward.....but I am human after all..............and the extra pain that has been caused.....all unnecessarily.......all in the name of small and petty dysfunctional stuff.....is really hard to come to terms with......and maybe I won't......I know it is important for me to continue to try.....to not give up on that notion.......the goal that maybe someday......I can let it go more fully and forgive him......but for now I just can't.........so the goal for me now is to find a place to put it where it doesn't deplete me or affect me negatively.......and I think I do that well in my day to day.....I feel pretty happy and peaceful most of the time these days......and to continue to try and summon my best self to step forward and wrestle these things in the day to day....my instinct is that it will be a process that may ebb and flow for quite sometime......and as this all evolves......and I know one day that my forgiveness will be for me not him.......peace I need to make with all of it.......and I am hopeful I will find my way.......someday.......to that place.....the place where I can forgive and release myself for good........but unfortunately today is not the day.......yet........