Little earthquakes.......

I feel as if two plus months ago our family sustained an enormous earthquake, like a category 10, and after, the aftershocks were plentiful and in rapid succession...... for days and weeks it seemed......and now as it is settling I am finding that little earthquakes come now, without warning, out of the blue, but they are still quite powerful......and still more frequent than I would like.....but these little earthquakes make it very clear how deep the relationship is that you form with your spouse....how deep the plates go in your world together, and how the breaking apart of the earth comes in waves, and breaks piece by piece, till perhaps one day you will be fully disconnected from the other in nearly every way......perhaps as you were before you started out all those years ago......perhaps.....I am not quite sure how that will go....I know for sure I am tied to him because of our kids for a long time.....sometimes that notion makes me feel comfort, feels like a nice reality.....to never live in the world fully without him completely......because he was my person for so long...... and sometimes it feels overwhelming and I wish we could just cut ties forever.......seems like it would be so much easier that way......but that is not the way it will be for us....so the earthquakes have to come, the breaking apart has to occur as we are forced to stay tied to some degree forever.......a push and a pull.......on repeat.......forever and ever.......I am trusting that it will evolve and we will find a way to move through the breaking of us.....and in the meantime I am struck by how abrupt and painful these earthquakes are when they come.....they come with no warning.....out of the blue I start to feel the shaking......the foundation rumbling.....feel the pictures banging on the wall......then the tears come.....and they come from the deepest most real place in me......from the heart.......from the brokenness......and each one serves to move me closer to disconnecting from the old to join the new.....to stay present in the new......to live in my new life in the present.....not looking back.......to let go of what was.....and accept what is now.......there is a desire to quiet the quakes, find a way for them to cease.....but in the same moment I know they need to be a part of the journey.......a necessary evil .......even though I do not want them.....even though they make me feel overwhelmed.......and profoundly sad........I committed early on to walking through all of it, and to be my most authentic self every minute of this journey......and so far I have honored my commitment to me and to MY story........each and every day......