Powerfully Broken revisited......

I loved yesterday....it was productive in some of my favorite ways....did my arm workout then took that 3 mile walk......and did some much needed stuff around here, and hung with my kiddos.....But part of what I did was work on my book on my deck.......and there is one blog entry that has stayed with me.....I wrote it a couple of days after my ex left....and I am putting some excerpts and blog stuff peppered into my book, still feeling my way through that some.....I feel it is important because I think it speaks to the state I was in at the time.....but even THEN......in the throes of it all I KNEW.....knew that what I was enduring was temporary, and that light lived on the other side.....and I suppose looking back some and remembering my words then.....and revisiting my state of mind was profound for me.......it is called "Powerfully Broken"........I am going to share it this morning for a point of reference......

 “ Powerful and broken, that is how I feel.  Both of them pulling at different parts of me.  Both equally a part of me and my experience in the world.  One being more tolerable,  almost exhilarating, while the other tearing at nearly everything I hold dear. Everything I have ever held dear.  My marriage is over and I am getting a divorce.  My children are losing the life they have always known and loved, their hearts are broken,  and nothing will ever be the same again.  Just typing those words makes my stomach hurt and creates a visceral reaction that runs throughout my body.  So deep into the inner parts of my heart and soul.  The pain is just so so deep. However,  I did not choose this.  It was chosen for me. Which causes the trauma to run deeper.  My husband left us six days ago, to love somebody else, and never to return again.  The never to return again part though is of my choosing.  He has breached a boundary,  a line, one that we cannot return from, not ever again.  It hurts my heart more than I can find the words to express but there is also a relief that comes with knowing you are right where you are supposed to be, right in the moment of your life.  Standing in a spot that will change your life moving forward forever.  The power comes from that space.  The power comes from being pushed so far by the universe that you need to find the courage and strength to push back or else be consumed by it all. I have found that power,  I have found it amid buckets of tears, amid shock, amid awe, amid horror, amid 

all of it.  In the moments since I have felt this power simmering in my soul, carrying me through the day to day.  Fueling me to care for my children, fueling me to carry on, fueling me to take the one step in front of the other, all actions that my new life will require.  I am powerful and broken and ready for what's next.”

I can only believe that whatever THAT was that was that was driving me was the divine force I speak of so often......no other explanation.....I was in excruciating pain at this point.....spinning in the most discomfort I had ever felt, and yet, these words and this sentiment found me.....this wasn't a healed woman writing this....in fact it was a woman who had only just begun to touch the wounds that kept her bound in this life.....having no way of knowing the deep places she would swim in, to find herself again......and yet.....these words......and one line pops out to me......."The power comes from being pushed so far by the universe, that you need to find the courage and strength to push back or else be consumed by it all." I still find that to be true.....I would call it God and the divine and the Universe all of it these days but yea.......you get the idea.....and I guess THAT is what it is for me. As I have faced trials in my life on repeat.......the loss of my sister........my special needs premature son in the NICU.......my troubled marriage, and his affair......cancer stories of those I loved, and my own scare, and deep betrayal in love and friendship on repeat.....it was THAT space......the feeling pushed so far.....so aggressively that if you don't push back you drown......and for years I felt that fight......like I was fighting so much.....and I don't anymore....it is not an aggressive pushing back now for me.....it is a steadfast standing in a place where my own power is not subject to what comes.....the eye of the storm, which I have written about before....learning to steady myself no matter what.....so I guess I share this all today to realize that THIS book and the writing of it will be a journey.....a journey of discovery.....of who I was......who I am.....and a glimpse of who she will be......and I am here for it all:) I really am.......and it was humbling to have read that entry and realize that even then, I was given the inkling that everything was always working out for me, even though I had no idea the how......and well.....these days I do:) Enjoy the beautiful day:)