How am I here..........

I probably ask that thousands of times a day. I have a pocket of kind and wonderful people that allow me to say it to them often, and in a hundred different ways. And I don't say that to mean I am up above the horror that has visited me, or that I am better than anyone and deserve this more or less than others, or that we didn't have challenges in our marriage that could have eventually meandered here......well sort of.........but I say it because I truly am in disbelief as the nightmare unfolds, and it begins to get worse and worse as the days go by........This morning when I knew I had to brave work and handle all the rest, a deep desperation swept over me. It felt like I was being swept up into a wave. For a moment I felt a deep sense of panic. The tears streamed........it all seemed insurmountable again, too much all at once.......Too many things plaguing my soul..... There is such a powerful urge in me to right the boat, to get it upright and sailing again. Every primal survival instinct kicking in at one time...... In that moment I am reminded that I need to resist that urge and just swim and embrace the storm. Swim like hell. Not fight the storm but embrace it, embrace all of it, in all its mess, destruction, and power. There is a distinct awareness with every cell in my body, that this is all too much, too much on a good day, but entirely too much amid a global pandemic..one that has already been going on for a year...and one I have had to be extremely mindful of all along... Too much to manage, too much to risk, too much to figure out, too much to navigate......just all too much. I said today to somebody at work, as I taught kiddos with a mask and social distancing guidelines firmly in place, and feeling like an alien on a foreign planet, that I no longer recognize any part of my life. Except for my relationship with my kids and the love we share......that is my only familiar place......otherwise the rest of my life has been stripped from me. All familiarity, all soft places to land, all social outlets, all places to escape, just all of it..... Not a receiving blanket in sight......just an abyss of unfamiliarity and uncertainty. As I feel that way and let it come in and wash over me, not fight it, and not fear it, I know I just have to accept it. I am aware that ultimately it will be up to me to offer myself safe haven. For me to provide a soft place to land for me.........up to me to comfort myself and continue to gather strength. I sure have done that for another for many many years, offering that kind of respite without reservation or hesitation. A soft and cozy place to land amid life's harshness....... It is time for me to take all of that energy that was given out so freely to another.......pour it into my kids AND turn around and give that love to ME. I am offering myself a soft place to land............It is long overdue, but better late than never.......