Disbelief, shock, and awe.........

Disbelief is a powerful emotion.......there are still times it shows up for me in my story.....placing what has happened in my face, and making me take a look.....there are so many big places in the stories I have lived where it shows up, but also in the nooks and crannies......the small moments I have lived........believing that something was different than it ended up being......and in terms of healing from what has found me, I was realizing how disconnected I feel from so much of it these days......in a healthy way......I am feeling it fade in a real sense into the background hum of my story.....we are all different, and I believe that the depth to which we love is equal to the depth in which we are capable of being harmed.....and as I have journeyed forward......so much of my journey is now what is up ahead, and not what I have left behind......there has still been healing left to do....and I am never ashamed or impatient with myself.....just aware of what I need to do to move forward......and I do not think living in the past is healthy.....at all....but sometimes we need to dip into it from time to time to ensure it doesn't affect our future.....and I have deeply loved in this life......leaving me susceptible to being deeply wounded......that is just how it is......and having my betrayal wound activated again a year ago was more work to do......and sort of drug the rest of it out to look at again........and so I have......much more quickly......much more easily......but not without work to be done, big work to do......But I think the disbelief is the hardest part......I have written of shock and awe often in this story......and every once in awhile it comes round the bend and hits me in the face......Like what??? How could that be??? Did that really happen?? Were they really like THAT?? All of it.......one of those things being the relationship I have with my ex husband currently, or I should say the lack of one, often brings up that disbelief too.......Finding it unbelievable that I live in this story.....and parallel parent with him, we are not co parents......just heard of that term recently.....and it fits.....I am on my own in every way and have accepted that fact.........and maybe for me the part of me that is loyal to people, often for life unless proven otherwise, makes it hard to believe it all.....wondering how you can form such bonds with people, and then they vanish into the abyss of betrayal......one minute there and the next obliterated......and my operating system doesn't have a blueprint for that.....and as humans we seek to understand, even though we shouldn't......sometimes there is no point in trying and I KNOW that....but yet.....my mind seeks to try to understand......and my human curiosity wants to know what they are thinking or have thought in the story too.....like a reporter sitting down on a late night news show......mic in hand lol:) So tell me........:) And that is the human in me having her say.......because the bigger part of me......the more healed and evolved version knows that none of that matters in light of what their actions showed.......but human curiosity is real, and I am a curious person no doubt........mesmerized by the human condition......always have been......which is why teaching and coaching light me up......so I give myself grace when I try and understand something I am incapable of understanding in a real sense......and grief lives in those places......I think grieving a person that didn't exist, a person that only existed in your mind is a deep kinda grief.....and unfortunately I have done it multiple times in my life......grieving this amazing person I had created in my mind......I believe we see people through the lens of WHO we are, not who they are......and being subject to seeing the best in people always has made me subject to that.......seeing beauty in them, and in some cases things that did not exist except for in my mind.....and I had often wished they could see them as I did......what a game changer that would have been......so recently some of that has been activated......the remembering of it all.....and grieving the living......the disbelief of all that has been done.......the aftermath.......and my only goal these days is to heal it, to never repeat it, and to continue to build and water my own life.......when you are shown a lack of love, you are being called to double down and love YOU harder:) And that is what I choose to do......on repeat........And each time the disbelief.....and shock and awe circles around......it gets less and less......the reality of it all dulling the shock.......and the bigger work is to learn to heal without the apology but more than that to not allow what has happened to affect the way you view people......to not let it poison it.......and to work on extending grace and compassion to those that have transgressed........and I stay in that place.......besides I believe people know what they do......or what they have done......and that is enough.......adding more shame to that is futile and not what my faith tells me is important, there are times I have wanted to light somebody up and say all the things.......knowing it would not lead to peace and I have restrained myself......because I truly believe that when you do awful things to people, you have to live with that........there are not enough lies you can tell yourself that can cover that fact up.....and there are not enough words I could speak that would be as impactful as the ones that they live with......the ones that play in their hearts and minds in their quiet moments.....and ultimately I just wish healing.......for us all.......Amen.......xo