Alone......

At any given point we navigate life with whatever depth of understanding finds us......and at some points in our lives it is a lot.....sometimes less.....but it is all important.....leading us to where we are supposed to be.....And for me at the moment I feel like I am in a place where so much of so much makes sense......finally.....the seasons I walked through, the times I was challenged.......the times I was called more deeply into myself.....discovering what was within......and it is never less fascinating to discover the "why".....this morning I just realized that I have been on my own....truly on my own for a year now.....a year ago that friendship and relationship that I spoke of dissolving......and he was there so soon after the fallout of my marriage, our old friendship rekindling, that he was sorta there to some degree or another as I walked the last few years.....sometimes more present, other times not....but his presence hung in the background, and fabric of my story.....and now he doesn't.......and so this morning it strikes me that I have been alone......in every way.....navigating this next chapter with my own clarity, and understanding in tow.....I used to share the stuff that happened with my kids with him....the day to day stuff that went on.....and now all of that is mine.....and perhaps I write about this this morning, and it seems so profound, because while I felt alone often when I was with him, I wasn't......not in a real sense.....and that was one of my goals outside of my marriage, to not go from one relationship to another one....as that has seemed to be a pattern....except now I know I did not have control over that....at the time thinking that I could control that.....but we don't control when love touches down, or a character enters our story, and we certainly cannot control divine timing.....I know that so clearly now.....so I was meant to journey the next leg of my life with him no doubt for a bit....and then move on, and learn the lesson so fully, so fully that it is never to be repeated again....and so today I am realizing I finally did it.....I have been in a relationship of some sort since I was 14......and as I have said 50 is coming in hot;-) That is a lot of years to journey with somebody.....and all of the relationships were long....decades mostly......but still......and maybe I needed to prove to myself I could REALLY do this all alone.....no long distance comfort blanket in the background.......just myself and my kids doing the things....so fully.....nobody to vent to......or lay my thoughts and musings on......I mean my friends always are there and my parents, but you know what I mean......and I have become dangerously acclimated to alone....alone feels wonderful......and I mean that so fully....and it is something that makes me sad sometimes, to think that I have become so attached to alone, to solitude, but most of all to my FREEDOM:) I love being, and feeling FREE......it is intoxicating in ways that I cannot articulate......and I trust that if, and when the time comes to give it up, I will be ready and be able to......but for now, most days I struggle to picture what that would look like......so yea I did it.....the thing I set out to do....to be on my own so completely....no training wheels....just me......living my life.....in peace.....and so I suppose now that that has been true, when love touches down again......I will be more ready, because I have taken the time I have needed to clear the energy that needed to be......reset......renew........and in the meantime, I plan on enjoying every bit of this time, it feels like a sacred space, and I will continue to treat it as such:) Enjoy the day:)