Hope.........

Hope is a funny thing....it is a quiet whisper in your heart that things will get better.......a place in our souls and hearts where the thought of the future makes us excited and ready to begin a new path.......I always hold out hope that things will improve with him......my hope gets dampened no question, but it is always there like a little flame.......the pilot light of my soul staying lit.......after this weekend my flame of hope is burning brighter......it is funny to know somebody and not all at once.......because of the parts I know of him there was a lot of unspoken and spoken things between us that I caught very clearly this weekend when he picked up and dropped off the kids.......things that I understand and recognize in him......it was also very nice to see glimpses of once upon a time Nick......my Nick showing up.......not in a romantic way, but in a way that may help to propel us forward with the kids, and in his role with them as we journey along......however as much as I wish it to be so, I am not naive enough to believe that change will occur overnight......I think all of this will take time to work itself out......the flame of hope that I saw this weekend were the seeds that were planted by all of us to grow on a date yet to be determined.......the power of what he is living under is strong.......and dark........and has extreme power over him.........and as he pulled out of the driveway, after a weekend with his children, I know he is headed back into the dark, and into the forces that influence him greatly......and as he pulled out I prayed that he would find the strength within him to do what he knows he needs to.......I could see it in him that he knows things must change......that there is no more time for avoiding or pushing it off......he must stand up and do what is right no matter the price.......the unfortunate thing about Nick is he can't always hold that place alongside wherever he is at that moment in time......so while I saw a bunch of goodness and recognition in him, I am not sure once he returned home he could keep it for long......I know that sounds crazy.....but it is true........my hope lies in the seeds of light that were planted in his heart from me.......from our children........from all of it........that those seeds take root and grow in his heart, grow big enough to combat the darkness.......that those seeds will act as messengers of change.......it was a heartbreakingly wonderful weekend.......I enjoyed my time on my own, doing things that fuel me, heal me, and light my soul........the kids got some amazing time with their dad, in a safe place filled with love........and he got to feel better about himself in the moment and be a dad........and the narrative that has been spun about me by her just doesn't hold water under what occurred this weekend.......so my hope is they can lay that narrative down for good......that is my prayer.......I am not sure there is another thing in our souls that feels better than hope......or maybe not even feels better but is as important as hope.........hope is all we have in this life......hope that magic is around the corner.......hope that all things get better......eventually.......hope in each other........hope in our hearts........just all of it........so as I type this this morning I have hope in my heart......I have hope in him..........and the flame of hope that burns in me is burning brighter.......and in this moment it feels pretty darn good..........