20 years........

Decades fly by right? Yesterday would have been my 20th wedding anniversary in another galaxy far away.......and I returned that date to the calendar a couple of years back.....no longer recognizing it as anything but just a day......I didn't even realize it was yesterday, until I put the date on my board at school yesterday morning......and while I was administering the final day of the state assessment, I had some time to reflect, while taking laps around my classroom......and I had a flash of my 30th birthday, which was a week after I got married, and my ex threw me a little surprise party.....I suppose that sticking out as my 50th approaches next week......I thought of the day we got married some, one of my favorite days ever, tainted now for sure......but still a top notch day in my life, just magic and Disney princess vibin......no regrets living in any of that story because of my children being the result of all of it, and so much growth, and life in between......so yesterday, was just a blip......an awareness peaking through about the day......knowing so fully that had I not been freed, the likelihood of us celebrating it happily would have been slim......I was so lulled into complacency, and numb in every way at the end of my marriage, that I can only guess it would have been so much worse as that milestone arrived......going through the motions......and that leads me to the place where I am forever reminded that I have such support riding shotgun in my life......divine support.....freeing me from places where I don't belong anymore.....and giving me gifts on the other side that change everything.......that has always been true.....and I was saying to a friend that I think your relationship with a person, one that is supposed to teach you something, ends the moment the lesson is understood, and you either never cross paths again......or they fade out.....and that is kind of amazing if you think about it.....especially the people that were once a part of our every day, and I have seen it often and marveled at it.....even with my ex husband,........we live in the same town, and very rarely run into each other......I do not think that is by accident.....we are living in different places in every sense for sure......I walked down with my daughter yesterday to grab her brother from the late bus stop......chatting away about the school day.....and then on the way back they wanted to race each other......they are both running these days......and so I was watching them run up ahead......my heart swelling out of my chest.....for the deep gratitude and love I have for them as my children, they are magical people, my favorite humans to have ever walked the earth, and for the fact that they get to live in a happy story.....not a toxic one.......that we were freed to not celebrate yesterday's anniversary.....and that all characters in that story, got to live a life of their choosing.....my kids are happy and peaceful......they feel safe and loved......they live in a home that feels like their own......and they carry heartache surrounding our divorce, I see the flashes from time to time, but they don't live there......our life together taking over most of that space......and I had a pang of sadness for him, that he misses out on this version of us......having that not make sense anymore at all......and the evolution of us, didn't include him.......his own choosing......so there is always some grief that still hangs there.....but as more and more time goes on that grief is snuffed out by the reality of our new life......and how that is everything......the healthiest version of a family that we could create on our own.....and that seemed so fitting yesterday......I have learned such profound and powerful lessons the last 5 plus years......and they have changed my life......but more importantly how I view my life....and as I walked behind my kids, carrying my son's backpack, and my daughter's volleyball while they raced up the street, all I felt was wildly blessed for EVERY single bit of it, and for the divine protection that rides shotgun in my life every moment, AMEN:) xoxo Happy Thursday:)