20 weeks................

Today marks 20 weeks since he has been gone........and boy oh boy in the past 20 weeks lessons abound.........I have learned you can be strong and broken all at the same time.......sometimes in the same moment, sometimes in a series of moments........I have learned that even when your worst nightmare has happened..........you can survive it......even thrive in the face of such a thing........look the nightmare in the eye and armor up and face it..............I have learned what I am made of........like truly.......I have done such hard things, things I thought I could never do and yet.........I did.........I do, each and every single day...........I have learned that you can love somebody deeply but not want much to do with them, because your peace is more important than almost anything else.........I have learned that my kids possess the same fighting spirit I do......that they have gotten up each and every day and worked toward their healing......stood in the strong emotions and faced them too........we have grieved together and will continue to do so for as long as it takes.......maybe forever...............I have learned that it is better to be quiet than to be right nearly every single time.........that expending precious energy to prove a point is futile, and a waste of that said energy........I have learned to embrace my new life.......to hold it in my arms and accept it and make the best of it every single day........to cherish it, to marvel at it, to create a life I love and am proud of..........I have learned that I can set strong boundaries, that I MUST set those boundaries to preserve my sanity and my soul, and that in fact I must do that for the greater good of everybody involved.........I have learned that I can be kind and compassionate even when it is not deserving.......that the high road is always the best one to travel on..........that people's brokenness deserves our compassion.......it really does........but that also staying out of the storms in others lives is paramount........perhaps the most important thing........staying above those storms.........I have learned that I have the most amazing family and friends........like in the whole world........the people that have traveled these 20 weeks with me mean the world to me.......the people that have chosen to stand in my pain with me....not turn away......not run away........face it with me and allow me to be in whatever place I was at any given time......no judgement just love and acceptance......well I am not sure there is a greater gift you can give another human when they are hurting so deeply......so to all of those people I thank them from the bottom of my heart and I will never forget all they have done for me........not ever..........and maybe the biggest lesson learned......is that I am going to be OK.......I really am........my freedom to be me and live a life that I design now, and love came at such a high price.......one I wasn't sure I could pay 20 weeks ago.......but you know what I know it will be worth it all.......I just know it........deep down in my soul and my heart.......I already know many days that this is what was meant for me in this life........and that one day it will become clear to me all the whys.......all the reasons.........but for now............I will continue to embrace the lessons.......let them resonate deep in my soul.......stay there........to use and carry in my life.......to create a life beyond my wildest dreams each and every day........:)