The pendulum and yikes! ......

When your life abruptly changes in big and bold ways, within a moment's notice it breaks down parts of who you are, and what I have come to find is it normally does so in wonderful and necessary ways......and after my divorce I felt a big shift.....into stuff and places I had not been for quite sometime......learning more about myself......taking time to care about the places of me I had lost along the way, or the places that I had always yearned to let have a voice, or have their say......and some of those things have since died again.....they were not things I was meant to keep and carry into this chapter.....and it is all disorienting......the death and rebirth cycle......because grief lives when we lose a part of ourselves......even if it is something that is supposed to happen......and for me the pendulum feels like it is swinging at the moment.......and my boundaries are figuring out where to land......I never want to lose my compassion, empathy, understanding, grace any of it.....but I am feeling some harder edges finding some of my boundary work......like a sword after you sharpen it......and while I know it is necessary.......it still makes me sad some......I have been taken advantage of in this life for those traits.....and for some naivety.....and so it is time I guess to bring it into better balance......and I can FEEL that so clearly......and some of what I discovered about myself in the last few years was still cloaked in dysfunction in regards to my last relationship......not stuff that I will take forward.....and maybe that is it as I type it.....it was like I thought I had stumbled on these places in me that wanted to breathe.....wanted to have their say, but because I was still unable to fully SEE the patterns I was walking into, I was duped some, by MYSELF........if that makes sense?? Some of the things I experienced with him I thought were me, mine......but they weren't.......they were unhealed me......and so I am watching so much more fall away, similar to how I felt when my ex husband left, not to that degree at all, but a similar vibe.......and I am in the discernment phase where I decide what IS me, in a chapter that is surrounding all things healing again......and so I am watching the pendulum swing......never wanting it to land in extreme spaces.....knowing it will find its balance, landing beautifully in the middle......I trust that so fully....Once upon a time I believed myself to be the woman who could love someone enough, to help them become who they could be.......and the pendulum has swung and brought that into better alignment......I am now the woman that knows she loves deeply, but only where there is reciprocity and accountability......and that is different energy......the version of me that gave endless chances wasn't foolish......she was loving, hopeful and she believed people could grow......and those things still ring true, except now I know that sometimes people don't meet those qualities with the same level of responsibility is all......and my journey has shown me how to better recognize that.....and my taste has completely changed.....all these years having a sort of blueprint of what I find attractive in men......despite the men I have been with not seeming the same at all.....they were, underneath whatever physical exterior they had......and it is like your favorite meal.....the one that feels most like you, like home, and the one that you like to eat the most, until you don't.......and now my palette has COMPLETELY changed.....and I never want to eat that meal again......or dine in a restaurant serving it either lol:)........and I guess as I express all of this this morning there is just some grief is all......as I watch more things fall away, things I need to say goodbye to, I know that so fully.....but things I had sort of thought would always be a part of me, the new me......and now I know that isn't true again.......so again I find myself in a farewell part of my story, and learning how to welcome things within me that don't quite feel like me yet......still in between versions of me.........letting go of the hand of old Jenn and locking eyes with the new one as I continue to walk forward.......and well.....it isn't always easy.......and I suppose the main focus I am keeping, is to maintain my softness and gentleness as I become stronger and more discerning again.....never wanting to become hard.......never......so as I welcome in the work of appropriate boundaries, I am keeping that gentle version of me in mind......she gets to be a part of the new too:) Enjoy the day:) xoxo