THAT little face takes my breath away.....

So since Mercury is still in Retrograde, when in Rome if you will;-) Memory lane it is......I shared a silly video of the kids and I four years ago yesterday......we had found a fun old CD of mine, and were lip synching while we were waiting for something somewhere....it was 4 years ago.......and we were only a little over a year or so into our walk.....and you can see how small my daughter still is......and looking at the pictures from that time still gets me......she was 4 about to be 5 when he left......the night he left she was waiting on him, pretending to be dead on the floor with this elaborate Play-Doh eye she made to trick him......they loved practical jokes......and then he was gone.....and both my children were shattered but she was very confused.....and too young to figure that all out.....every night for months she would sleep with me, and look in my face and ask me " Was I sure that daddy was never coming home?" And every time I died a little inside, it was one of the most excruciating things.....that sweet little face, with tears streaming down it.....wanting her dad......and it was for sure one of the more breathtakingly painful parts of this story that has found me......but when I look at those pictures, and feel the heartache of the innocence that lived inside of her during such a dark time.....and her tininess.....I also see a mighty girl.....she was tiny and shattered, but also wise and fierce......and it breaks my heart that she lived without a dad in her home so early in her little life......her dad and I wanting her so badly and having her right before I turned 40......and at the time I thought things were going pretty well for us.....we were enjoying her so much......but by the time he left his affair had been going on for two years......starting when she was 2 and clouding so much of so much.....but there is the grief of a mother that lives inside of that part of this story......no way around that........and she mentioned the other day about not having many memories when her dad was here....I sometimes tell her the great things he did with her when she was small.....to remind her......playing Candy Land for hours.......hide and seek......building a snow tubing run in our yard......etc......they were both kindred in their sense of play.....and it broke my heart for her that she lost that.....only visiting it from time to time during her visits with him, not in her day to day....and with my son, he was older some when he left so it is a different grief, his special needs part of that one, equally as painful to watch how that all evolved for him......but at least he had his dad for a good bit......and they are both thriving and doing well now....and I have to remember, and remind myself to not be upset for something that doesn't trouble them very much anymore, such resilience in them.....conscious of not taking on heartache that isn't their heartache....and even then as parents we walk a fine line.....and we all know that this version of the story is the better one all things considered......my kids will express that also, without my input.....they see some of the contrast I have......they figured that part out on their own too, but something about that little face of hers, gets me every time.....the remembering of a time in her life that asked her to be braver than she should have had to be......to absorb more than she should have had to absorb, being wounded in the deepest of ways......her little heart......and yet we just don't get to decide what finds our children......that is the challenge of our lifetime as parents I think......to accept their journeys as deeply as we accept our own......and I do my very best to do that......realizing that everything is always working out for them, just like it is me......and that what has come to find them and shape their lives IS part of that plan.......but that can be true alongside the grief that lives in my mama heart for those little faces........an enormous mountain being placed at their feet.......and we linked arms, and did the thing......and bigger than my grief for them is my gratitude........they have saved me every single day since their dad left......their presence, love, trust, loyalty, light, all of it just drowning out the rest.....and maybe some day a pang of pain won't live in my heart when I see that little face, and think of my boy so vulnerable etc.......I already choose to flip the script some, and see their courage and strength, and all the love we share when I look at those pictures......it is a process.....maybe lifelong to some degree......not a place we live, but a part that we visit from time to time.......they are my people no doubt......and journeying with them in this life is my privilege......no question:) Happy Monday:) xoxo