Humiliation and Grace.........

Some memories have come forward this week.....perhaps under the glow of the full moon.....and my remembering some things I put up with, and endured in the end, in the name of saving my marriage......and I wish I could share them, but I just don't think it would be appropriate, maybe some day during a speaking engagement, or in one of my series I will in the name of transparency, and to let other women know they are not alone.....but suffice to say they are cringeworthy......and it has been hard to look at those things through the eyes I look out of now.......not imagining for one moment that THIS woman would endure or do any of that......not even for a minute......yet that other woman still lives inside of me.....the one that did.......parts of her died off to transcend her story.......but at one point, and even now parts of her still live inside of me........and I am struggling with feeling humiliated or angry with her for those experiences that she had power in......a power she just didn't know about yet.......and grace.......extending the hand of grace to her......knowing very clearly that when you know better, you do better.......it really is that simple......but sometimes it doesn't feel that simple.......not at all.......and it is the space in between......the place where I hold all those big feelings......the shock and awe still ever present, where I get lost sometimes......not knowing where to put it all......never being able to put it where it belongs.....hand it to the person that caused it......the person it belongs to.......so I move it around.......like you do when you organize your garage......and reorganize your garage.....and organize it again......always handling that one thing......that one thing you don't know what to do with......so you move it to another shelf......putting it away......until you can decide.......or until you rearrange again and find it sitting there.......that is sorta how I feel sometimes.......I haven't written him a letter yet......one I would send or otherwise......I have started a bunch of times......but never get too far......there is just too much........but as I type this maybe I can write a letter to that woman.......THAT woman, it brings tears to my eyes to type it......maybe I can write a letter to the old me........... and forgive her, forgive her for what she didn't know then......for the things she put us through......for all of it.......and extend grace to her.......because she most definitely deserves it.......she did then......and does now........and I can extend that hand of grace to us both.......